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Your 15-year-old says, 'Please don't come to the PTM.' It can sound as if they are hiding bad marks. Often it is about how the meeting will feel: a parent and a teacher discussing them in a corridor full of classmates. You can still go, in a way that keeps your teen in the conversation.
Why does my teenager not want me at the PTM?
Part of the answer is development. In a 2013 study in Psychological Science, Leah Somerville and colleagues told children, teenagers and adults that a camera was showing their face to a peer. Just believing a peer was watching was enough to trigger self-conscious emotion, and that feeling grew stronger from childhood to adolescence before partly easing in adulthood. A PTM puts a teenager in exactly that spot.
The everyday reasons teens give usually fall into four groups:
Embarrassment: a parent talking loudly, asking other parents about marks, or comparing them with a classmate.
Fear of an ambush: the teacher brings up a low test or a confiscated phone, and the argument starts in the car.
Wanting to own their story: they would rather explain a bad term themselves than have it explained for them.
A real problem they haven't told you about: falling marks, trouble with a teacher, or trouble with friends. If you suspect this, read our guide on what to do when your child lies about marks before the meeting, not after.
Should parents still go to the PTM if their teen says no?
Usually, yes. Nancy Hill, a Harvard researcher who studies parent involvement, told Harvard's Usable Knowledge that "It's a myth that middle school and high school students don't want their parents to be involved in their school lives." Her 2009 meta-analysis with Diana Tyson, which looked at middle school, found that school-based involvement, such as volunteering or going to PTA meetings, had a modest but positive link with achievement. The strongest link came from academic socialization: parents linking what children learn in school to their goals and interests.
A 2014 Child Development study of 1,056 adolescents aged about 15 to 17 found that parental involvement in 10th grade was linked to better achievement and mental health a year later. So the question is how to go, not whether to go.
How do you agree the PTM rules beforehand?
Have a 10-minute talk the evening before. Settle three things.
Who speaks first. If your teen comes along, they open by saying how they think the term went. You ask your questions after that.
What is off limits. For example: no comparing with siblings or classmates, no talking about marks in the queue, and no raising a private matter (a health issue, a family problem) without asking first.
What happens after. You will share one strength and one thing to work on, at home that evening, not in the car and not in front of relatives. Nobody decides on a punishment that day.
A script you can borrow:
You: 'I'm going to the PTM, because that part is my job. But I want it to go your way as far as possible. What would make it less awkward?'
Teen: 'Just don't bring up my phone with Ma'am.'
You: 'Okay. If she brings it up, I'll listen and say we'll talk about it at home.'
You: 'Is there anything you'd rather I hear from you before I hear it from your teacher?'
How do you behave at the PTM without embarrassing your teen?
Keep your voice low and talk about marks only with the teacher.
Don't go round other parents comparing scores.
If your teen is with you, let them answer the teacher's questions. Don't answer for them.
Bring two or three specific questions. Our list of parent-teacher meeting questions that lead to real follow-up is a good place to start.
Before you leave, repeat back one action the teacher suggested, and write it down.
What should you share with your teen after the PTM?
Keep to the pact. Here is a worked example. Say the teacher told you: 'Aarav's lab work is excellent, his physics numericals are weak, and he chats in class.'
That evening, you lead with the strength: 'Ma'am said your lab work is excellent.' Then the work-on point, framed as a question: 'She said numericals are where you lose marks. What do you think is going on there?' Mention the chatting once, briefly, with no lecture. Then agree on one step for the next two weeks, not five.
If the numericals trouble comes from a concept that never quite made sense, the Fermi Concept Library has a lesson for each concept in physics, chemistry, biology and mathematics, so your teen can start with the weak topic in their own time. If the feedback was harsh, here is what to tell your child after a bad PTM.
Sometimes resistance to the PTM hides something bigger, such as bullying, a low mood that won't lift, or refusing to go to school. Talk to the school counsellor. You or your teen can also call Tele MANAS, the government's free 24x7 mental health helpline, on 14416.
