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Every Diwali lunch, wedding and Sunday video call seems to bring the same question: "Kitne marks aaye?" It usually comes from love or curiosity, not malice. But your child hears it in front of a room full of people, often next to a cousin's percentage. This guide gives you words to use on the spot, a short plan to prepare your child, and a few house rules so other people's marks stop becoming your child's measuring stick.
Why does the marks question sting so much?
For many teenagers, marks are already a big worry. In an NCERT survey of 379,842 school students carried out in January to March 2022, around 80% of students in Classes 9 to 12 said exams and results made them anxious (Down To Earth report on the NCERT survey). A relative's question lands on top of that.
Comparison makes it worse. A 2025 study in Frontiers in Psychology describes parents' social comparison as parents imagining other people's children as excellent role models without shortcomings and measuring their own child against them (Liu, Kvintova and Vachova, 2025). In its online survey of 576 adolescents in China, this kind of comparison was linked to lower self-esteem, partly through the children's own upward comparison with others. The study was a questionnaire at one point in time, so it shows a link rather than proof of cause, but its conclusion is plain: parents' comparison is not advisable.
What can I say when a relative asks about marks?
Aim for an answer that is true, short and closes the topic kindly. You do not owe anyone a percentage. Pick the line that fits the moment:
The warm deflect: "She's working hard and we're happy with how she's doing. Ask her about the robotics club, she's building something fun."
The no-numbers answer: "We keep marks between us and the school, but thank you for asking."
When a cousin's score is mentioned: "That's wonderful for Riya. Every child is on their own path, and ours is doing well on his."
When they push: "Honestly, we're not discussing results this week. Tell me about your trip."
On a phone call: "He's right here, but he's had a long day. I'll tell him you asked about him."
For your child to use: "It went okay, I'm working on maths. How are you, Mausi?"
Say it with a smile and move on; a calm tone closes the topic without scolding anyone.
How do I prepare my child before a family function?
A five-minute talk the evening before takes away the surprise. Try this plan:
Name it. "Bua will probably ask about your results. That's normal, and you don't have to share numbers."
Agree what is private. Decide together what the family shares: nothing, a general "it went fine", or the real result.
Pick one line. Let your child choose a sentence from the list above and say it aloud once.
Set an exit signal. A word or a look that means "rescue me", after which you step in or send them on an errand.
Debrief afterwards. Ask, "Was anything uncomfortable today?" Listen first, and do not reopen the marks themselves.
How do I stop neighbour comparisons coming home?
Comparisons often arrive from the lift, the WhatsApp group or the school gate, and then get repeated at the dinner table. A few house rules help:
Don't be the messenger. If a neighbour shares their son's score, you need not pass it on.
Compare only with your child's own past. "Your chemistry went up from the last test" is useful. "Sharma ji's son got 95" is not.
Talk about effort and method, not rank. Ask what worked, what was hard, and what they will try next.
For longer scripts, read our guides on handling neighbours who tell your child to study like their son and what to say when your child compares marks with friends.
Sometimes a relative's question does reveal a real gap, say in physics or maths. Deal with it at home, later, as a plan rather than a lecture. Fermi's AI tutor can work out what your child already knows and build a plan for the session, so the conversation becomes "what do we work on next" instead of "why did you score less".
When is it more than awkwardness?
If your child starts dreading family events, avoids calls, or seems low or anxious for days after a comment, take it seriously. Talk to the school counsellor or a doctor. Tele MANAS, India's national mental health helpline, offers 24x7 toll-free counselling in several languages on 14416 (Ladakh administration notice on Tele MANAS).
In a board exam year, you can also limit how many visitors you host. Our guide on managing relatives visiting during board exams has a plan for that.
Before the next gathering, pick your one line, share it with your child, and agree on the exit signal.
